Helping Our Children Cope With Shock Related To The Twin Towers Tragedy

Patricia Pitta Ph.D., ABPP
Family Psychologist- Manhasset, New York

These are trying times for every member of the family. Children absorb the tensions and anxieties that adults express, hide and fear. I categorize children's functioning in two categories: quiet lambs and the aggressive lions. All children can have pieces of these categories in their personality. The goal of this article is to help a parent or responsible adult evaluate and help their child with dealing with shock from a short term perspective. It is quite normal for your children to be demonstrating the following characteristics:

Quiet Lambs- They become more quiet and withdraw further. They may demonstrate body aches as stomach or headaches. They may be more tired than usual. They may be more clingy and demonstrate behaviors of a younger child. Increased worry, sleep disturbances and fear maybe part of their behavior. Aggressive Lions- They become more irritable, aggressive and moody. They might become more physical and aggressive in their speech. The world will look as a more threatening place for them. They may feel they need to protect themselves by demonstrating their aggressive energy destructively till they tire or exhaust themselves and those around them. The behaviors I described above are normal within the context of your child and their behaviors. If the behaviors persists beyond a month consult with a psychologist or pediatrician. What a parent can do to limit the stimulation that would encourage the above symptoms:

  1. Talk to child at an age appropriate level about what has happened? When you talk to your child look at him/her in his/her eyes and give you full attention.
  2. Be "askable". Let children know that it is okay for them to talk about their experiences and feelings. The way to give them this signal is to talk about your feelings in a calm and loving manner.
  3. Avoid the use of TV and news media that depicts the terrifying aspects of this situation. If your children do watch TV, sit with them and explain what is happening on the screen.
  4. Let them know that the world is really a safe place and that there is a President and other government officials that are taking care of us.
  5. Keep their schedule as regular as possible. Do the usual activities.
  6. Spend extra time with your child. If he/she is responsive to cuddling or talking do this if child demonstrates that need. Maybe your child would like to share milk and cookies with you. Do things that comfort your child.
  7. Do something active to gain a sense of control over the situation. Use your energy constructively. Maybe draw or color with your child about how they wish it could be and respond with empathy. Encourage a child to write a letter about their feelings or to someone who suffered a loss. With older children talk about how they can actively help others. Maybe make a cake or food for a family that has suffered a loss of a loved one. Maybe make food for the people working at the World Trade Center in the clean up. Go to a place of worship and pray with others.
  8. Have patience.
  9. Be empathetic. If you don't know what to say, give a hug and give an empathic response as "I know it hurts", " I know you are scared".
  10. Be comfortable with having anger about the situation and express it appropriately.
  11. Take care of yourself. Find time to relax (do what you regularly do to calm yourself). The more relaxed you are the better you will be able to care for your child's needs and concerns.