9/11: The Aftermath
Some bad people did some very bad things and many people died but you’re safe and we’re safe and we’ll take care of you and our government is doing it’s best to try to make sure no one else gets hurt.
Mommy if it’s safe now why aren’t we going on our vacation?
I’m having scary dreams. Can I sleep in your bed?
Honey, our child is not the only one having nightmares!
I’ve been laid off.
But we paid so much for those theatre tickets.
Dad why didn’t that man let you bring our backpack into the game?
Please come and bring me home (a college freshman).
In school today, my teacher said we helped put the Taliban government in charge and that we have often helped those who we are now calling our enemies.
Why are there so many police outside the synagogue today?
In the immediate aftermath of the terrible tragedy of 9/11, parents were faced with the challenging task of trying to explain to their children what had happened and to try to minimize their fears without making unrealistic promises about the future. Newspapers and websites were filled with good advice on how to do this and I don’t need to repeat those points here. It is two weeks later and we are being urged to try to resume a normal life because it is psychologically and economically important to do that. Despite the best of intentions, for many it is simply too soon for that.
Before continuing I should state that I live in the Boston area, surrounded by people with close ties to New York City and Washington, D.C. Therefore it is possible that readers who are geographically and personally more distant from these cities may not see as intense and widespread traumatization as I am witnessing around me. But I know that people everywhere have been greatly affected by this tragedy. The comments I reported at the start of this article are real, shared with me by parents and children in the past few days. They underscore that there are some unique aspects to this crisis that are presenting special ongoing challenges for parents to be able to continue helping their children cope.
I believe the core issue is that parents are scared. It is very hard to try to reassure your children when you are hearing about the likely possibility of future terrorist attacks. Media stories, initially helpful in providing information, now seem to be falling back into old patterns of reporting rumor. The government doesn’t help by telling us too much about every concern, e.g., about chemical and biological toxins or possible hijacking of ships loaded with fuel or trucks loaded with chemicals. Do we need to hear about every discovery of a piece of paper that suggests another possible risk? I think not. It is only adding to the already daunting challenge of adults trying to recover from this trauma.
Usually when something upsetting happens that affects our children, parents have felt safe and have been able to focus on helping their children re-establish a sense of security. This began to be tested with the rash of school shootings in the past couple of years. As much as it shook our sense of schools being a safe place, the reality was that it was still a very rare event and gradually parents began to worry less when saying goodbye to their children in the morning. But the 9/11 tragedy has pervaded more deeply into our sense of safety and, for now, created a new sense of vulnerability that did not previously exist for most Americans. All adults recognize the likelihood that there will be more deaths on American soil as this struggle with terrorism moves forward.
As a result parents are faced with the exceptional challenge of trying to be reassuring to their children when the parents are not feeling safe. Many parents are reporting their own nightmares. They are canceling trips, avoiding public events, taking trains to New York instead of the shuttle, and they are being laid off from jobs or being affected in other ways by an economic downturn that has been pushed onto a steeper slope by this tragedy.
With very young children it remains important to continue to reassure safety. But with older children, parents are being asked difficult questions to which there are no easy answers. This was a traumatic event and many are suffering some form of post-traumatic reaction. This is normal and may last for several weeks, even a few months.
You need to start with addressing your own needs. It is more important than ever for mothers and fathers to talk to each other and not minimize the fears or concerns of either. Parents need help to cope with the uncertainties about the future including a sadness that their children may be forced to experience a loss of innocence and safety beyond anything most parents ever had to endure. That means turning more to community and places of worship. We have, for too long, become a society of isolated families lacking time to stay connected with friends and neighbors. This must change now. We will find comfort in being more connected to others.
Parents will need to be resilient and to do so requires retaining a sense of optimism about the future. Some people come by this naturally. Others must reach down and nurture what limited optimism they have. Some may need to ask others to help them achieve this. To be optimistic and scared are not mutually exclusive. In fact, it is quite normal to experience both right now. But resilience grows while coping with crises. So there is an opportunity here for parents and children to develop an increased inner strength, a greater resiliency that will benefit everyone throughout the rest of their lives.
At the same time, it is permissible to allow children who cannot settle back into their routines to share your bed or get a little more of your time or take a leave of absence from a college, particularly in New York or Washington. Of course you should push a little to try to keep children in their normal routine but be sensitive to those who are genuinely unable to do so and make reasonable accommodations. I know of a few freshmen that have returned home. From what I know of their personalities it was probably the right choice. Some are more traumatized than others and will need more time and support to recover. And recovery may be interrupted by future events.
It is important to have intelligent, respectful conversations with children, especially teens and young adults, who are confused by the politics of all this or have a different view than you of how our country should be responding to this problem. Honest conversations in which parents share their own concerns and uncertainties are actually reassuring to many children because it demonstrates a respect for their coping skills and a trust that will be reciprocated. At the same time don’t try to force discussions. Many children will have the capacity to put this aside and find comfort in their normal activities. Parents need to look at each child individually and use their instincts about the different personalities and needs of their children.
There is no one single right way to deal with this challenge. But at the heart of whatever we do there is more need than ever to be sensitive to the needs of each other, to make extra time for the people you love, and to appreciate what is good about life. But a return to normalcy is still a distant reality.