What Does It Take to be Happy?
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. - Anonymous
How many times have you heard that question, "Why can't I be happy?" How many times have you asked yourself that question? In my practice of clinical psychology, it is a question that I have heard people ask many times over the last 20+ years. It seems like a fair question, so why can't people be happy?
I believe that there are some serious problems associated with the search for happiness and general contentment. First, there is some evidence that humans are not necessarily pre-wired for happiness. Second we tend to develop bad habits that get in our way of achieving a reasonable degree of happiness and contentment. For example , we learn a lot of "if only's" -that if only we had a good job, a big house, a nice car, and lots of love, then (and maybe only then) we would be happy. We learn to compare ourselves to our friends, neighbors, even relative strangers, all of those people who seem to have "more" and therefore are better and "happier" than we are .
So happiness, and our pursuit of it, becomes directly related to outside events, achievements, possessions, and other external factors. Therefore, all people who achieve their goals and who have nice cars, big houses, and terrific loving relationships are, of course, happy. Right?
Wrong!
Why isn't this true?
While a number of external factors do play roles in the human condition, such as economic conditions, environmental stressors, and physical health, the big piece of the puzzle that seems to pull it all together is "outlook." Let me use an example. I love to fly on airplanes. I know many people don't, and in fact, many people are quite fearful of flying. When I fly and the airplane encounters significant turbulence, I like to do an experiment. I like to look around and watch how people are reacting. I seem to always notice the same thing: some people appear very anxious and frightened, some seem mildly "uptight," some seem not to even notice the turbulence, and still others seem to be extremely relaxed.
If we maintain that "things" (turbulence, money, events, other people, etc.) make us feel angry, depressed, or in this case anxious and scared, then why doesn't turbulence in this example "make" people on the airplane all react with exactly the same emotions? Why don't all the people feel exactly the same amount of anxiety? How can some people be relaxed and others on the verge of a panic attack?
Outlook
In this example, things happen and people react. But outlook affects their reactions. Some people are anxious flying through turbulence, others are neutral or even relaxed. When my beeper goes off, if I think that something bad has happened and begin to feel uncomfortable. These feelings and reactions are largely caused by the outlook and attitude of those involved.
When people seek counseling for depression, anxiety, anger, or relationship difficulties, I teach them that how people feel and react in a particular situation (and often, how "happy" they are) is not based on the external factors but is largely the result of how we think, what we believe, and what we tell yourselves about that situation.
"Things" such as external events certainly play an important role in triggering our emotional reactions. But since we may have little control over these outside events, why not learn to control what we can - our outlook and thinking?
So, now you know that happiness is not as elusive as some may think. You know that things may play a role, but do not control our happiness or how we feel. You know that happiness is often blocked by "stinking thinking" that results in feelings of depression, anxiety, panic, anger, and low frustration tolerance. You know that you may be powerless over other people, places, and things, but powerful when it comes to your thinking, feeling, and behavior. Happiness really is an inside job and closely tied to our outlook on life. Is getting rid of irrational thinking that blocks greater happiness simple? Maybe. Is it easy? No way! Habits, including habits of "stinking thinking," take time to develop, and it takes time to change bad habits to good habits of healthy, rational thinking. It takes work and practice, and then more practice, practice, and practice. But, you can do it! And remember, good thinking really does get good results!
Ed Nottingham, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in Tennessee and Mississippi and a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist in Tennessee. He is a Diplomate in Behavioral and in Clinical Psychology (American Board of Professional Psychology - ABPP), a Fellow of the American Psychological Association (Division of Independent Practice), a Fellow of the Academy of Clinical Psychology and the American Academy of Behavioral Psychology, a Fellow and Diplomate of the American Board of Medical Psychotherapists, and is listed in the National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology. He is an Associate Fellow and Approved Supervisor in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. He is a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). He has been in independent practice since 1979. He holds faculty appointments at the University of Memphis and University of Tennessee Center for the Health Sciences. He is author of It's Not as Bad as It Seems: A Thinking Straight Approach to Happiness- Revised & Expanded Edition (2000) published by iUniverse.com, Lincoln, NE.